Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Don't Go Shopping When You Feel Fat

Tip Of The Day: Don’t go to the mall when you feel yucky – but if you do, here’s the lowdown on what’s on sale.

Tip For Tomorrow: eBay, addiction or good place to find a bargain? You decide.

Further Elucidation Of My Cheap Deal: There are lessons in life everyone must learn – don’t tug on Superman’s cape, don’t spit into the wind, and don’t try on clothes when you feel fat.

Sadly, I forget the latter lesson ALL THE TIME. And today was no exception.

I went to the mall this afternoon to check out the sales and see if I could buy myself a little somethin’ cute and sparkly for my birthday. A gift from me, to me, if you will. It could be anything, just as long as it was under $20 and party-worthy.

Here’s what I found:
1. Macy’s is clearancing out their costume jewelry. You’ll have to dig through piles of truly hideous crap, but there are treasures to be found. Since I just bought a shiny new bauble at Nu Look, I didn’t pick up anything. Aren’t I demonstrating amazing restraint in my old age?
2. The department stores have their winter coats on sale, but will the prices drop further? I think so. My advice? Wait until mid-February, then hit the Macy’s at Brookdale. They always have the biggest and best selection of clearance items in the Twin Cities. However, if you are in dire need of a jacket, go now. We can’t have you freezing to death.
3. The shoe stores are clearancing out their winter styles and leftovers. Warning: they DO run out of sizes, so don’t get too attached to a pair until you confirm they have your size in stock. Unrequited love is too sad.
4. The Limited has lovely sweaters on sale, some of them for under $20. Also, Express has their cami-tanks on sale, 2 for $29.95. And you KNOW how I love a cami-tank.
5. Macy’s has many of their party dresses on sale. I guess it’s time to move out the winter LBD and bring on the spring LBD – even though they look EXACTLY THE SAME.
6. I am fat. Okay, no, I’m not really fat. I recognize that I am fairly thin, especially my arms, calves, and collarbone area. However, my stomach is making a play for the Fattest Part Of My Body Award. Apparently, it’s jealous of the first-place tie my ass and my thighs have held since I entered puberty. So now the area below my boobs and above my knees is causing me great displeasure – not that I ever did a happy dance about that part of my body before.

Every article of clothing I tried on today emphasized my love handles, my newly-emerging back fat (WTF? Since when did THAT happen?), and the celulite on my thighs. Of course, the sight of all this extra flesh sent me running to Taco Bell for nachos. Sigh. Melted cheese IS LOVE, though. And all their entries are under $20.

Shopping Tip: Hit the malls over the next few weeks to find the best deals in winter clearance, plus, you’ll still have time to wear them this season. However, if your body is showing the signs of a very merry holiday season, be sure to go up a size. Then, cut out the tag – no one will know but you.


Larue said...

This is why I do love the Ren Fest outfits - they completely adjust with lacing for if you are feeling slightly zaftig.

I must say that I am continually getting e-mails from Kohls, so they must be having massive sales right now as well.

I find it is also not wise to pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger, and I generally don't mess around with Jim. It just seems like a bad idea.

George said...

I'm right there with you about the back fat. I bought a really cute shirt from Target and it seemed that one side had more back fat than the other. I found this with my love handles too - where the heck did those come from?

Fortunately, I've been torturing myself at the gym enough to stop looking like Jabba the Hut. I was able to wear my shirt for the first time today - woohoo!

We still love you. Not that it helps, but that's all I got..:)

Tiff said...

Great Tips! Thanks! I love your blog! I have been going to the gym every morning, with all the old folks! I need you to come with one of these days!!!

tundrababe said...

I love that you quoted Jim Croce!

I'm always feeling fat, so I shop online. There are no trick mirrors in my apartment. Only the harsh cold glare of reality.

Larue is right - Kohl's is practically giving stuff away right now.

Lou said...

For tomorrow -
Ebay - good for bargains. I got my fab grey suede boots (worth $150.00) for $50.00.

Also, great for buying toys at a discount.

But don't be an idiot. Spend the time to price compare at other online and offline retailers.

Lou said...

OMG - I was just checking out my back roll this morning. It is more sagging skin than anything, but it's there. Gravity is a necessary evil. Ha!

Anonymous said...


I can assure you all. If we men wanted you to have the figure of a 12 year old boy, we'd date 12 year old boys. We don't.

Curves are wonderful. Its fashion magazines that have stick figure girls, not men's. While there's no denying that a young woman can be lovely, there no exclusion of others implied. Rest assured that we enjoy the capacity to appreciate more than just the newest few.

Relax, you all look exactly like yourselves. And no one else is complaining.

El Jefe

The Material Girl said...

El Jefe just got some major (and well-deserved) bonus points!

Curves are beautiful - I just prefer mine to be a little less lumpy and a little more perky. However, I'll choose portly over scrawny any day and The Blonde One agrees wholeheartedly.