Thursday, April 10, 2008

Confession Is Good For The Soul

Best of all, it’s FREE.

Tip Of The Day: It’s Group Therapy Thursday! Last week, we all got to vent about the escalating gas prices. This week, you have the opportunity to let loose. Say what you REALLY wanted to say to that one person, instead of the polite platitude you rattled off.

Tip For Tomorrow: Daily routine – the products I use every day that help me look decent, and how much they cost. Plus, reader tips from you fab folk!

Further Elucidation Of My Cheap Deal: You know what’s expensive? Therapy. Oooo, and drugs! The legal kind, people. The ones that help us not shave our heads and lose our children to our skeevy ex-husbands.

However, confession is FREE, and a necessary part of therapy. No, seriously, it is. I know ALL ABOUT THESE THINGS.

Now, you could go to church (Catholic, natch) and do your confessing there. Or you can do it here, at the Cheap But Not Easy Empire. I think you’ll enjoy here more – we’re not all judgy, you don’t have to say any Hail Marys or Our Fathers, and I won’t try to have sex with your children. Bonus!

Also? Instead of confessing all your sins (too time-consuming and guilt-inducing), let’s just confess the fun stuff. The stuff that gives us a rush and not a guilt trip.

Tell the group what you WISH you had said – to your friend, your ex, your husband, your kids, anybody. And don’t hold back.

Many times, we have to bite our tongues and be polite. Or, we can’t think of a snappy come-back in time to blast the idiot with it. Or, it would hurt the other person just too much to say what you really wanted to say.

So here is your chance to say what you REALLY think. In the spirit of Sharing With The Group, I’ll go first. Here are a few of the things I WISHED I could have said:

1. To my not-to-be-named high school English teacher – I really hope black-balling me from the National Honor’s Society, FOR TWO YEARS, gave you a thrill. How VERY mature of you to hinder my chances of getting into a good college, just because you thought I was a brat. Guess what? I got into the college I wanted, I got the job I wanted, and, oh yeah. NOW I’M ON TV, AND YOU’RE NOT. Also? I’m still a brat, and that will never change. Nyah.
In short, your actions had absolutely no bearing whatsoever on my life.

2. To my ex-boyfriend, the one I dated after college, who broke my heart – You knew I was in love with you, and instead of telling me you didn’t feel the same, you dumped me for your ex-girlfriend. Who you broke up with 2 weeks later, because you weren’t really in love with her, either.
So, to answer your questions, NO, WE CAN NOT BE FRIENDS. EVER. AND DON’T TELL PEOPLE THAT WE ARE. BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE A LIE.

3. To the obnoxious teenage girls at Target, who were talking about me. Loudly – Yeah, I heard you. And? I wasn’t the only one at Target on a Friday night without a date, SO WERE YOU.
Also? At least I know NOT to wear pants that give me an obvious muffin top. And then pair them with a skin-tight t-shirt, just in case there wasn’t ENOUGH attention brought to the rolls of fat spilling over the waistband. Here’s a tip for ya – go up a size, sweetie.
And although yes, I was lame for being at Target by myself on date night, at least I could GET A DATE. AND DRIVE MYSELF THERE. IN THE CAR I OWN. AND STAY OUT PAST 11 PM.

Wow. I feel BETTER. From now on, instead of sublimating my feelings with food, I’m going to vent online. Not only will I save money on therapy, I’ll lose weight! And fit into the clothes I already own! So I don’t have to keep buying new ones!

Now THAT is a two-for-one deal.

8 comments:

Parker said...

Oh. My. Gosh.

You are hilarious. Thank you for making me laugh even though we are in a Blizzard Warning in St. Cloud on April 10th!

A fan,
Rachel :)

P.S. I am trying SO HARD to think of a witty comment in response to your post.
Why do you freeze, brain? WHY?
P.S.S. I got a set of full size adorable yellow plaid Martha Stuart flannel sheets at Kmart the other day and thought of you! They were 8 bucks! That's right! 8 bucks!

Marketing Mama said...

Too bad those girls at Target didn't slip and fall. How rude!!!

LaRue said...

Confession: To all the doctors out there who told me it was "all in my head" or because I am "female" before my fab eye doc and neuro finally diagnosed me, I say bollocks to you! I am too nice to wish you an undiagnosed illness, but hangnails would be fine. Long-term hangnails.

Amy the Mom said...

Stupid Minnesota Weather! GRRRR!

Okay-Coldwater Creek is having one of their 50% off everything online sales right now through midnight tomorrow (Saturday). Even the clearance is 50% off! I have gotten the cutest jackets from them on clearance for under $10-but the selection gets dicey the longer you wait. Unless you are a size 4, then you can pretty much get whatever you want. Too bad they don't honor the discount at the stores, since I'm right across the river from the Mall of America location.

Actually, that's probably a good thing.

Amy the Mom said...

Uh, the url might be helpful...

www.coldwatercreek.com

derrrrrrr

Tundrababe said...

You are so awesome.

I can't think of a confession, however...I am working on a grad degree in counseling, so I can say I got some free experience by reading this, and you can feel better that someone who could technically get a job as a therapist read your problems!

Shayne said...

I second Larue. To the horrible floor doctor on 6S at Regions... Just because you no clue, doesn't mean it is all in my head. Why not use that expensive education of yours to read the notes the specialists wrote instead of deciding I need therapy. AND BTW, there is a line of people waiting to kick you in the shins.

Anonymous said...

Today. TO.DAY. This WOMAN that I work with, had no IDEA she was dealing with a bigger witch than her. I just wear it differentley than her....Insult, pause for witty clever response, then smile. Even though I had my say I can still think of 100 more things that I didnt say! She has been forever put in her place. backed off, sent to the corner...
May the lonely old maid, who prefers a scowl over a smile and runs off new employees as a sport, be crusing monster.com tonight!