Saturday, January 5, 2008

Resolving To Lose My Butt, Even If It Kills Me, Which It Probably Will: Day Whatever

Tip Of The Day (er, Night): Weird, fun and cheap ways to work out this winter, brought to you by me and my trainer – who is secretly plotting the demise of my butt. You won’t need a lot of money, honey, just two paper plates , a child or two, a ginormous big-box store, and a sled. No, really.

Tip For Tomorrow: I’m covering Covered. Did you see what I did there? Clever, no?

Further Elucidation Of My Cheap Deal: Contrary to my normal schtick, I’m beginning my evening post by talking about spending MORE money, not less. Let me explain (or just sum up).

Back when I was on TV (you didn’t think I’d EVER let you forget that, did you?), Jeff The Reporter asked me a salient question, “What do you allow yourself to splurge on?” Well, that’s easy – my hair and my trainer.

I’ll discuss my hair and hairdresser in a later post. But back to my trainer. How can I justify paying someone over $20 per training session, on top of my $280-a-year gym membership?

This question forces me to disclose something you never knew about The Cheap Chick. I have (or had, I’ve been in remission since I was 10) Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. And it pretty much messed up my joints for good. Therefore, I have to be careful how I exercise, so I don’t make matters worse.

That’s where my trainer, Shayne (a girl), comes in. She is licensed, bonded, certified and degree-d up the ying-yang. Which is what you really want in a trainer, especially if you have special needs, like me. She is trying to rehabilitate my joints, as well as reduce the size of my ass. Note to self: if you complain about the size of your ass in your blog, don’t let your trainer READ your blog. It gives her bad ideas of what to do to you in your next session.

So yeah, I have a trainer. And my trainer recently gave me the craziest workout to do, using nothing but two paper plates and my own body weight. It’s easy on my joints and EVIL on my butt.

Shayne developed my paper plate workout from one created by Mindy Mylrea. Mindy, of course, wants you to buy her “gliding discs,” but she started out using just paper plates for this workout. And the plates work fine, thank you. Plus, you need the money you save to either: a. Hire Shayne to teach you MY workout. Or b. Buy Mindy’s glide workout DVDs. They are available at Amazon.com here:
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw/102-4036966-0484933?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=mindy+mylrea+gliding&x=12&y=14. I’d check out Ebay, too, for used ones.

Shayne also ordered me to move my body more (just like that commercial with the dude dancing in the doctor’s office). She said I shouldn’t be so regimented in what I consider a workout. With that in mind, here are a few random ways to get the lead out for free.

1. The Child Workout. This requires you to borrow a portable, yet mobile child, preferably from someone you know. Anyone between the ages of 3 and 6 will do. Next, coke them up on sugar, so they get good and hyper. Then, bring them to the Mall of America, Sam’s Club, IKEA – any store big enough, with wide hallways, so they can run their little butts off without careening into anyone/thing.
Now, chase after them. Trust me, they move fast for their size, and so will you. They’ll also want you to pick them up and carry them – which is good exercise for your upper body. Remember to lift from your knees. And because they’re hyper, they’ll want to be picked up, then set down, then picked up, then set down about 500 hundred times in one hour. Once again, good for your upper body.
If you can’t find a child, plain-ole mall walking is a great way to get your aerobic exercise in the winter. Just leave your credit cards at home.

2. The No-Duh, But I Bet You Haven’t Done It Yet This Winter, Workout: You’ll need a sled, some snow, and at least one other person – you can go it alone, but it’s a good idea to have backup in case you smash into a tree. Take the sled and drag it to a very tall hill. Now drag it up the hill, without the benefit of a tow rope. Get on the sled and slide back down the hill, avoiding trees, ponds, and small children. Repeat until you think you’re going to die. No, you can NOT quit after 5 minutes.
Sledding (or sliding, as Midwesterners call it) is not only good exercise, it’s FREE. You can slide down a hill on a cardboard BOX if you don’t own a sled. Better yet, borrow some more kids to go sledding with you – they usually have extra sleds lying around for you to use, and they NEVER want to go home.
Or, gather a bunch of your friends together and do some night sledding. You can cap off the evening with a round of spiked hot cocoa. Just use the low fat stuff, so you don’t undo all that exercise.

Where To Find A Trainer: you can find MY trainer by e-mailing her at traynewithshayne@juno.com. You won’t find a better, more accredited trainer in the Cities. Just don't go trying to hog her all to yourself.

4 comments:

Sam's Dad said...

This requires you to borrow a portable, yet mobile child, preferably from someone you know. Anyone between the ages of 3 and 6 will do. Next, coke them up on sugar, so they get good and hyper. Then, bring them to the Mall of America, Sam’s Club, IKEA – any store big enough, with wide hallways, so they can run their little butts off without careening into anyone/thing.

We have just the child for you... but surely you don't mean to imply that IKEA has wide hallways? That place is the very definition of hell on earth when occupied by glassy-eyed Minnesotans let loose from their snow caves on weekend afternoons.

Better yet, borrow some more kids to go sledding with you – they usually have extra sleds lying around for you to use, and they NEVER want to go home.

Again, we have just the child for you...

Larue said...

Yo. I also have spare children, but they are much larger. But! We do have paper plates.

And excellent Princess Bride quote there.

I am e-mailing your trainer. No, really!

Now go read my novel and let me know what I need to fix.
Big smooches.

standing still said...

Gads. I have just discovered that claiming that not working out is saving me money is wrong.
So, I really HAVE to use all those already purchased tapes in the basement. Crap.

Tundrababe said...

Just thinking about the child workout makes me exhausted!