Friday, July 18, 2008

Why I Want To Beat My Head Against A Wall. Today.

Tip Of The Day: The answer to the statement above, plus the shortest diet book you will ever read, available for FREE only at Cheap But Not Easy.
(I considered this Part Two in my Lying Liars Friday series. See last week’s post for the lies we buy.)

Tip For Tomorrow: Since it is July, it is hot. I know, that sentence MAY JUST BE the most profound words ever blogged in the history of mankind. As I was saying, because it is hot, I recommend curling up in front of a roaring AC unit and reading a good book. Preferably while sipping a cold, fruity, alcoholic drink.

Further Elucidation Of My Cheap Deal: I finally got around to reading “French Women Don’t Get Fat,” by Mireille Guiliano, (I am aware that I’m the LAST woman on Earth to read it) and it has inspired three separate reactions in this Cheap Chick:

1. The need to begin the aforementioned head-banging, because millions of people wasted $22 plus tax on this unnecessary tome.
2 The urge to fly to France and bitch-slap the condescending, anti-American, holier-than-thou attitude right out of Ms. Guiliano.
3. The desire to eat a buttery French pastry RIGHT NOW.

Also? The main crux of her book is how to be more like a French woman. I have absolutely no desire to be French, or any other nationality besides the one I currently am. Call me a patriot, call me xenophobic, call me a jingoist, call me a show-off for using such big SAT words, I don’t care. I heart the USA.

However, the book did put me in mind to write my own treatise on weight-loss. So here it is! The moment you’ve all been waiting for! Drum roll please… The Only Diet Plan You Need, FREE From Cheap But Not Easy:

Eat less. Move more.

And that’s it, folks. Every diet book, every talk show episode, every count-this-eat-that-combine-the-other program, every Weight Watchers/Jenny Craig/Slim For Life/LA Weight-loss company’s message can be boiled down into 4 words, 2 periods.

Or 4 words and 1 comma, 1 period, depending on how you type it. I prefer the 2 periods for extra drama, queen that I am.

For those of you who were expecting more, and are at this moment Google Map Searching my house so you can come over and beat me with your Thighmaster, I’m sorry. But my advice is sound, and is exactly what any doctor or dietician will tell you.

There is no magic bullet, and it’s not easy. If you want to lose weight, eat less and move more. Where all the extra gobblety-gook comes in, like Sugar Busters or Atkins or Pritkins or Master Cleanse, relates to the HOW of eating less.

For example, in “French Women Don’t Get Fat,” the author’s French-and-therefore-better doctor told her to:
a. Keep a food journal (which AMERICAN doctors have been touting for YEARS).
b. Determine which foods you overeat. Mireille has a weakness for baked goods and in this, I feel her pain.
c. Cut back or cut out those foods.

In other words, eat less. Same information, minus 256 pages and $22.

Step two, and also important, is Move More. As a society, we are moving less, because of all the time and energy-saving technology we’ve allowed into our lives. Why walk over and speak to someone, when e-mail is so much faster and I can sit on my duff eating this Krispie Kreme donut as I type?

Why walk up stairs when you can take an elevator? Why walk anywhere when you can drive? Before you know it, we’ll all have computers in our brains and will conduct our daily lives while lying around in bed. Which is not necessarily a BAD thing, but isn’t conducive for weight-loss.

Once again, most diet plans talk a whole bunch of HOW to move more. Walk to work, take your bike, take the stairs, fit in a run over your lunch break, etc. Or do this DVD's worth of bizarro exercises to peel pounds from your ass/stomach/thighs/wallet.

Sigh. I’ve been sucked into those seductive exercise infomercials, too. For example, I tried Billy Blank’s Tai-Bo, guaranteed to melt pounds from my ENTIRE BODY!!! All I achieved was two strained rotator cuffs.

Here’s the thing. If you want to lose weight, great. Good for you. You aren’t a bad person with those few extra pounds on you, and you won’t be a better person when you lose them. But if you want to diet, here’s the first thing you MUST do – don’t lie to yourself.

Keep track of what you REALLY eat in a day, and how much you REALLY move. Try to break a sweat once in awhile. Dance around your house when the kids are outside playing. Or, go outside and play with them. Look at what you eat and cut out 1/4, 1/3, or 1/2 of it. Eat more fruits, veggies, lean dairy and protein, and whole grains.

But most of all, DON’T BUY THE HYPE. Your money is better spent on a doctor’s appointment than some Veuve Cliquot exec’s How To Be French guidebook. Unless you want to be French. Then have at it.

So, blogosphere, what is the WORST diet tip you ever tried? Mine was a no dairy/wheat/meat fast that last maybe 4 days before I broke down and had a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.


Trooper Thorn said...

You are right Cheap Chick. Effective weight loss may be the most inexpensive personal development activity a person can do, and will save untold expenses down the road too.

But there has to be some effort through eating less and doing more.

It always bugs me when heavy or unfit people say to me "you are so lucky to thin...". Lucky?

Damn, I work out everyday and don't eat whatever the hell I want. Ain't no luck about it. Don't blame your sorry ass on being 'unlucky'.

LaRue said...

Trooper Thorn! I love that movie! What a great blog name.

Topic? Let's see. One can also hide one's thighs under a very large hoop skirt and court gown combo. Just a thought. Otherwise, I agree with the Chick's words on diet. It is true. Although they have invented a machine that can actually melt fat from your body, they do not have anything to tone you.

And I for one do not want to be a skinny, saggy person. Toned is what I say!

queenoftheclick said...

You are absolutely Hilarious! I wish I found your blog sooner!

mia said...

FINALLY! Someone agrees with me! I could not get through the French Women Don't Get Fat book because I found the author so damn smug and condescending!

Anonymous said...

I concur. The problem for me is eating less food. I heart food. So, I must move more. More more more.