Ritual

We all have weird beauty behavior that we don’t want the rest of the world to know about. Some of it involves the misuse of tweezers, some an addiction to magnifying mirrors. Some people have bizarre cleaning habits that require more products than a drug store.

I say, why hide it? Embrace your dark side and share with the group. You’ll feel better for getting it off your chest. Here, I’ll go first.

My weird beauty ritual stems from childhood trauma, as most things do. As a tween, I was convinced that I had the longest, skinniest and hairiest arms in the free world. Probably because the bitchy popular girls told me this was true. I resembled a skinny ape creature – but what could I do? My arms would look even goofier if I shaved off the hair, not to mention the nasty stubble it would create. I wanted to have some arm hair, just less of it. And not so dark, too.

I thought I’d have to be the Human Ape for the remainder of my days, until I discovered a wonder product. Like many wonder products, it’s made by Sally Hansen and is available at Target.

It’s their Extra Strength Crème Hair Bleach for Legs, Arms and Face, available for $5.99 plus tax. With this stuff, I could bleach my black-brown arm hair, making it look like delicate peach fuzz. My arms would be elegant and slender – not bony and hairy. Plus, the blonder the hair, the tanner I look.

It’s stupidly easy to use, too. All you have to do is follow the directions in the kit to make the bleach goop, smear the goop on your arms (do one at time or you’ll really make a mess); wait 13 minutes, and rinse the goop off. Presto – lovely blonde strands, not hirsute horror.

A word of caution: don’t leave the bleach on too long, or your arm hair (or leg hair or whatever) will break off in a very unpleasant fashion. Ick.

Product, Day Two: Sally Hansen’s Extra Strength Crème Hair Bleach for Legs, Arms and Face. One kit should last you through two or three bleachings. Keep in mind, this product is formulated to use on body hair, not the hair on your head. If you decide to use this as an inexpensive highlighting kit, don’t come crying to me when your hair falls out.