Friday, April 25, 2008

I Shall Be Healed

Tip Of The Day: Doctors are a scary bunch, not to mention very expensive. Here are a few frugal ways to mend yourself, without blowing your shoe allowance on your co-pay. If you are lucky enough to even have a co-pay. I am not.

Tip For The Weekend: You know what state is totally cheap? Iowa. I’m trucking down there today to see my former roommates, and whoop it up Des Moines style. Which no, does not involve farm animals.

Further Elucidation Of My Cheap Deal: I loathe going to the doctor. What with the waiting around, the poking and prodding, the intrusive questions, and the fear that my VERY PATHETIC INSURANCE PLAN may not cover even 1/10th of the bill, I’d rather just be sick.

Therefore, I’ve discovered the following handy remedies, to keep me just one step further away from the dread doc’s office. Please bear in mind, none of these will cure cancer, or replace surgery. If you need that kind of help, why are you here, wasting your time? Get thee to the Mayo – stat.

1. Aspirin. We all know that aspirin can lower a fever (in ADULTS, PEOPLE. Don’t give it to your wee ones.) and stop a heart attack in its tracks. But it has a couple other uses, too.
Kill the pain of a mouth sore, and help speed up the healing. I don’t know how it works, but if you hold a dissolving aspirin on your canker sore, it will numb it and make the swelling and redness go down. Granted, this tastes awful, but the relief is soooooo gooooood.
Reduce the redness and swelling of a big ole zit. Aspirin does the same thing for face sores as it does mouth sores. Make a paste of the aspirin with water, moosh it on your zit, and leave it to dry. This doesn’t look pretty, but then neither did your big, throbbing zit.

2. Scope Mouthwash. When I was in 5th or 6th grade, we tested the effectiveness of different mouthwashes. Only Scope actually killed germs. So quit buying Listerine – it is a waste of money.
Soothe a sore throat. Since Scope kills mouth germs, why not cold germs? I gargle with Scope when I have a sore throat instead of using that old wives’ remedy, salt water. Which tastes disgusting, and is too close to my gag reflex for comfort.
Scope’s minty freshness is also soothing on an inflamed throat. So you’re getting a two-for-one deal here – sore throat relief plus germ killing. And you’ll no longer knock out your loved ones with your post-nasal-drip breath.

3. Banging. HA. That got your attention. I’m not talking about banging in the figurative sense, I mean the literal definition, “To thwap an object soundly.”
Loosen phlegm and soothe a cough. When I was a congested Chicklette, my Ma would have me lay across an ottoman face down, and she would bang on my back, using the palm of her hand. According to our doctor, this helped loosen the phlegm in my chest, so I could cough it out.
Today, banging on my back has a psychosomatic affect. I tend to cough out of control until I puke (thank you, 8 years of smoking), which makes me feel even worse. Having someone bang on my back is soothing (reminds me of childhood and all that) so I stop coughing wildly and calm down. This may not work for you, but it also can’t hurt.

4. The Library. This is a cure for a delicate issue – one that Oprah and Dr. Oz like to dwell on. We’re talking (or rather, I’m typing) about poop. And sometimes we can’t. Poop, that is.
Help cure constipation. For some reason, going to the library and perusing the shelves makes me need to poop. I could be clogged up with a gallon of cheese and it will not matter. Once I’m checking out (haha, pun) the stacks – blamo. Instant need for a bathroom. Fortunately for me, I live very close to my library, because I hate to poop in public.
I think it’s because I’m relaxed (books are soothing), happy (I love to read), and standing up (everything is in allignment). All three things combine to help loosen my bowels. And yes, this IS the oddest topic you will read on a blog today. Sorry.

There you have it – quick cures for modern maladies. Those are my tips – what are yours? What off the wall ways do you have to fix yourself? The doctor is now in session.

Friday Focus Group

If you are unable or unwilling to share your cheap cures with us (please keep it clean, y'all), perhaps you can help me with this topic:
Have you gone grocery shopping at ALDI? What was the experience like for you? What is the selection like? What is the quality of the food like?
Please leave your opinions in Comments, or email me at Thank you in advance for your help!


Parker said...

"Hello my name is Rachel and I'm addicted to Vicks Vapo Rub."

"Hi Rachel."

I didn't realize I had a problem (Ok addiction) to Vicks until I started commenting on your site! Maybe I should double post this to the "Therapy Thursday" entry. (Insert laughter here.)

But, I digress.

I love Vicks. My Mom used to seriously lather it on us when we were sick. It's the first thing I reach for when I am stuffy and congested. I don't think it's that expensive... I buy the GINORMOUS container of it and it has lasted me forever so I haven't bought any for a while.

Ahhh... Vicks. I love you, old friend.

Rachel (aka Parker's Mom)

LaRue said...

Hi, I'm Larue and I have an addiction to Mentholatum and Tiger Balm.

Mentholatum does the same thing as Vicks, so I won't repeat what Rachel said. (although it does remind me of my childhood, in which I never got enough love)

Tiger Balm is the BOMB. It helps with aches and pains, nerve pain, etc. It also smells like a mixture between BenGay and French Hooker, so use a paper towel to put it on, or get the peel and stick pads. And yes, it might feel like its burning, because it is made of Capsacin (sp?) which is from Habanero peppers, which are MIGHTY hot. So don't stick it in your eye. TRUST ME. I KNOW.

And I can never go to the Library with you again. Does this also apply to the bookstore?

Manager Mom said...

I had to weigh in on the pooping.

I fund that Dunkin Donuts drip coffee does wonder for the old bowels. For some reason, Starbucks doesn't fit the bill. Has to be the double D.

You are lucky you're not trying to do your $20 thing in the New York area, where I live... can't even get a Grande Latte for less than $24 around here

Anonymous said...

At the first sign of a cold, I drinnk a gallon of water, take 4 ibuprofen and go to bed. The last time this happened, I woke up well. Therefore in my head it is A CURE.

bellanikkita said...

Peppermint herbal tea (peppermint in general) is known to soothe an upset stomach. So is charcoal tea but that has a pretty unbearable taste.
For migraines, my ex (who also is a physician) taught me to gently but firmly press on the hollows between the top of your nose and right below your eyebrows. It really works well.

Nikki said...

ALDI'S. I shop at Aldi's pretty regularly. I haven't had any issues with the quality of their food. This week, I went to both SuperTarget and Aldi's. A dozen of large eggs at SuperTarget was $2.39/dz and the same dozen of large eggs at Aldi's was $1.19.

I really like their veggies, too. Some people have too much pride to shop at Aldi's; however, that has changed in recent times with the gas prices. When I went to Aldi's this week, I was parked between a Lexus SUV and a Nissan Murano. Times are changin' my friends. Furthermore, why do I want to spend more money for the same stuff somewhere else? Stuff you are going to crap out later anyway (sorry for the visual) and have nothing to show for it.

I highly recommend their 100% Grape Juice (purple). It has a DOUBLE money back guarantee on taste. It is the same or better than the name brand ones.

Try it out, people. Besides, it got good reviews in the Star Tribune a few weeks ago by the author of the article, who said he has never had any issues with quality from food he has purchased there.


Michelle said...

Freeze It is this weird version of BenGay that works wonders on Migraines. I just rub it on my forehead and it makes the headache almost bearable. It also works great to rub on pulse points to cool you down in the summer.

When I feel a cold coming on or I feel run down , I drink a Naked juice and it makes the cold not as bad. I love Airborne, too.

I haven't been to an Aldi's since I was a kid. I think they would be worth checking out for the good prices.

Anonymous said...

Now I'm not sayin' Purell has cured cancer, but let's just say there are a bunch of unexplained remissions following its use.

El Jefe

The Material Girl said...

Potato chips are my favorite cure for nausea. This is actually based on research done on pregnant women - potato chips and lemonade helped the most. I can't do the lemonade, but I'll use any excuse to eat potato chips. Also, my doctor told me that drinking one can of regular Coke is like having half a bag of IV fluids (I puked A LOT when I was pregnant, especially with LooLoo) and much more pleasant.

Tundrababe said...

Ha! The library is a laxative? Who knew?

The one in St. Cloud makes me not want to go. It's scary in that bathroom.